who won't do what you want them to do when you want them to do it?

So often we try to control others. Choice theory tells us the only person we can control is ourselves. But that doesn’t stop us from trying!
A friend was telling me about her adult son, living at home, who just hasn't been able to get his life together. She wants him to figure it out, now!
I want my husband to actually build the shed this summer that we’ve been talking about for a year.
You may feel your child is spending too much time on screens. You want them on their technology less and more engaged in other healthy activities, immediately!
These scenarios have one thing in common. We want someone else to do something different. And most likely, we are using a variety of approaches to get them to do what we want them to do. This is external control.
In Diane Gossen’s Restitution Self-Discipline approach, she describes 5 Positions of Control that people use in an attempt to control others:
1. Punisher (Yelling and angry): If you don’t put that away NOW I’m taking away your iPad for a MONTH!
2. Guilter (Pleading and whining): You’ve been talking about building that shed for over a year. This summer is the perfect time. You only seem to care about having fun. Doesn’t it matter what I want and what this family needs?”
With the Punisher and Guilter positions, we are trying to control the other by inflicting pain, shame or guilt. We may get the behavior we want in the short term, but it's more important to consider what happens to the relationship in the long term.
So, we change our tone and body language!
3. Buddy: (In a friendly way): Come on! You built the addition on our house! You’re so good at this. Building the shed will be easy for you! Don’t listen to your friends who are always trying to get you to go fishing! Do it for me!
4. Monitor: (Neutral tone, matter of fact.) When you moved back home, we agreed you can stay for 3 months then you need to move out. We are approaching 3 months. What happens now?
With the Buddy and Monitor positions, the person may do what we want them to do to please us, for a reward or to avoid the consequences. But we are still attempting to control them, and in the process they become more dependent on us or learn to conform.
With all four of these positions, we are attempting to get the person to do what we want them to do through external control.
So, we have one more position.
5. Manager: (Neutral tone, asking questions)
Manager: I see you’re having trouble putting away the iPad tonight and getting ready for bed. What do you want? (more iPad time) I bet you do want more time on your iPad! Are you having fun? (YES!) What do we believe in our family? (be respectful, be responsible, be healthy—the child chooses from your family beliefs). Do you believe that? (yes). Are you being responsible/respectful/healthy when you don't put away your iPad and get to bed on time? (no) Do you want to make a plan for enjoying time on your iPad and getting to bed on time?
Manager: “You’ve been living at home for a couple of months. How are you doing? What are you thinking about the next step? Do you know what you want? Do you have a plan for what comes next? Do you need any help from me?”
The Manager always offers the person an invitation to find their own solution. The goal is to internally strengthen the other person.
If the person doesn't WANT to find a solution, you can drop back to the Monitor position and give them a consequence.
The Manager is not trying to control the other person. Instead, they work with them, asking questions to help the person reflect on their behavior and create their own solution to the problem.*
*Helping others move to self-management is a process. It takes time and doesn’t happen overnight.
So the next time you get frustrated with someone's behavior, you DO have a choice...
You can attempt to control them (and try to get them to do what you want) with punishment, shame, guilt, consequences or rewards.
OR you can help them look inside for their own solution.
The person may not choose to do exactly what you want them to do, but the experience of working together on a solution will hopefully leave you feeling a LOT less frustrated (and it may improve your relationship, too)!
Wishing you a fantastic summer,
Meemie
P.S. If you feel you need support on your journey to becoming the parent you want to be, I would love to help. Please check out the parent coaching page of this website for more information and contact me to schedule a FREE introductory session.
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