Back to School!!!

How do we prepare our kids for a successful year?

As we get ready to send our kids back to school (and some of you may have already!), what are our hopes for them? Take a minute and think about the dreams you have for your child(ren) in the coming school year.

Do any of these resonate? We want our kids to be happy; to enjoy school and learning. We want them to make and have friends. We want them to be successful academically. We want them to want to go to school every day. We want them to behave respectfully and responsibly.

In other words, we want their 5 Basic Needs to be met!

Fun

Belonging

Power

Freedom

Safety/Survival

This is what I wanted for my girls in school and really, the list didn’t change much when they went off to college!

So how do we support them?

We tend to focus on things like purchasing school supplies, lunch boxes, back packs, uniforms/school clothes, having them look presentable (hair clean and brushed, matching clothes), eating a good breakfast, brushing teeth before they leave, and getting there on time. And these are important, and certainly have their own challenges, but do they really prepare our kids for the success we hope for?

Some of the things we "dream" of for our kids may seem beyond our control. Once they get to school, we aren’t there (and don’t have a lot of influence) to insure they get what we want for them. I remember a parent conference with the mom of a wonderful 1st grade student in my class. The mom was concerned about Jenny’s behavior at school. I shared with the mom that Jenny was a focused student, well-liked by her peers and performed quite well academically. I asked her mom why she was concerned and her mom said, “Well, she is really difficult at home.” I replied to the mom, “Kids often save their challenging feelings and frustrations for their parents, because it is where they feel safe to express them. School asks a lot of kids and you can rest assured you have done a wonderful job at home instilling values and expectations for behavior. Keep up the good work!” So, what was Jenny’s mom doing at home? She created a home environment infused with family values. Jenny learned it was important to be respectful, kind and responsible. She also provided an environment where it was ok to make mistakes and although it was painful at times, she supported Jenny in learning to take responsibility for fixing her mistakes (outbursts, uncooperative behavior, etc.). Her mom was nurturing Jenny's self-discipline and when Jenny was on her own at school, it was obvious how much she had learned.

When we ask a child, “What did you want when you ____________ (teased your brother/yelled at me/threw the toy)?” and help them find a more respectful way to get what they want, we are disciplining them in the form of teaching (rather than getting them to conform to rules with rewards or punishments). This strengthens the child (as they take responsibility for their mistake or choice of behavior). Kids are doing the best they can, but they can learn a better way! So, back to the original issue and your hopes for your child: If they come home from school and report that they don’t have any friends or school is too hard or they say, “I don’t want to go back tomorrow, “ what can we do?

Remember to listen deeply to your child. Ask questions to help you understand what the child is feeling and thinking and wanting. Try to understand from their perspective.

Child: I don’t wanna go to school any more.

Parent: Tell me more about that. What is it you don’t like?

Child: My teacher is mean.

Parent: Why do you say that?

Child: She made all the kids stay in at recess.

Parent: What did you want?

Child: I wanted to go play.

Parent: What did you do?

Child: I sat quietly.

Parent: How did you feel (about staying if for recess)?

Child: Mad.

Parent: I bet that did make you mad. Were you looking forward to playing with your friends?

Child: Yes!

Parent: Is there anything you can do tomorrow to help the class go to recess?

Child: Some kids were being silly.

Parent: Were you being silly?

Child: A little bit.

Parent: Were you having fun?

Child: Yes!

Parent: Is there a way you can have fun without having to stay in from recess?

Older Child: I hate math class. My teacher is horrible.

Parent: Do you want to tell me about it? Are you looking for suggestions or do you just want me to listen?

Older Child: Just listen. It’s so frustrating. He never wants to answer our questions. He makes you feel like an idiot if you ask for help.

Parent: Why do you say that?

Older Child: Someone asked for help with an equation and he said, “I already went over that. Look at your notes!”

Parent: Did it just happen that one time?

Older Child: Well, once is enough.

Parent: What do you think the teacher could have done differently?

Older Child: Well, helped of course!

Parent: What were you feeling?

Older Child: I felt bad for the kid who needed help.

Parent: What were you thinking?

Older Child: I’m never going to ask for help! He’ll make me look like an idiot.

Parent: Do you think someone who needs help is an idiot?

Older Child: Of course not!

Parent: I agree!

(Pause for thinking time)

Parent: If you did need some help from you teacher, what do you think you could try?

As we engage our kids in deep conversations like this, we are inviting them to share in a safe, judgement-free environment. “I don’t want to go to school,” takes on a clearer meaning as does, “My teacher is mean.”

When my kids were young, I found it so easy to react to what my child shared about school, without really taking time to understand. I wanted to march right in to that teacher and let him/her know how I felt. I wanted to “fix it” for my child. But now I know better. I can be empathetic. I can be supportive. I can listen and understand. I can let them know I care without swooping in to fix it.

I have learned that after listening and getting a deeper understanding, I can:

• Let them know that I know it’s hard.

• Take a few deep breaths together.

• Give them a hug. Let them know I love them just as they are.

• Ask them to reflect on the skills I know they have—Have you had a good friend? What did you learn about friendship? Do you learn to do new things (ride a bike, make cookies, etc.)? Was it easy at first? What helped you keep trying? What did you say to yourself?

• Ask them if they’d like to read a book about a kid who is struggling and notice together how the character solved their problem.

• Ask them if they’d like to hear about one of my struggles and what I did.

• Ask them if they have any ideas of what they would like to try tomorrow. If they say, “I don’t know,” ask them who they might ask for a little help with ideas. If they still are stumped, as a last resort, ask if they would like some ideas from you—remember we are trying to build self-management, and as much as we want to make it all better, not be the “fixer.”

• If they aren’t interested in suggestions ask them if they’d like to check in again tomorrow after school.

As you can see here, the idea is to be there for them in this time of difficulty; to be supportive and let them know you are there for them. Be careful not to “tell them what to do”, but try to understand their perspective. If we take the position of being the “fixer”, we deny them the chance to learn and be strengthened.

Does that mean we shouldn’t do anything? After working with your child as a “manager” at home, you might reach out to the school. As a classroom teacher, I would welcome a parent getting in touch with me to let me know their child is struggling. We could then work together to support the student. Contacting the school counselor with your concerns can also be a great support.*

And sometimes, in a new class/classes, or at a new school, or far away from family, it just takes time to adjust. If we provide a shoulder to lean on, a compassionate ear to just listen, and are someone our kids feel they can trust and can count on, they will come to us for the support they need to rise to the challenge.

Wishing you wonderful start to the new school year!

Meemie

*If you are concerned that your child is suffering from severe issues such as depression, anxiety, sleep or eating disorders, etc. please contact your family physician for guidance.