
In March's blog post, we highlighted the importance of our tone and body language in addition to our words. Another important part of communication is how we listen.
Three Levels of Listening
From my point of view: looking for my own examples or connections
For her point of view: looking for facts
From her point of view: help me understand her experience from her perspective (walk in her shoes).
Let's look at each of these levels a bit more closely (be thinking about your own levels of listening)...
1. Listening from my point of view
I'm guilty of spending a lot of time at the first level of listening. I think of this as surface level chatting. A friend shares a story and I connect it to my own experience.
My friend: "I am so tired of driving my kids everywhere."
Me: "Oh, me, too! Soccer, play dates, parties...it never ends!"
We are connecting with a shared experience, but the emphasis is on "me, too."
2. Listening for her point of view
My daughter comes home from school upset and I ask, "What happened?" As she tells me about the incident, I ask, "What did you do? What did you say? What happened next?"
At this level of listening, we are looking for the facts.
3. Listening from her point of view
To listen at this deeper level, we ask questions to help us understand how the experience was for the person. We might ask, How did you feel? What did you hope would happen? What would you have liked to say? What do you think is your next step?
It may be even more helpful to show empathy: Wow, that sounds hard! I'm sorry you had to go through that. You sound frustrated. I bet that was challenging. That's tough.
So, in all three of these levels of listening, what AREN'T we doing? Maybe most important is what's missing.
Have you figured it out?
Well, don't worry if you haven't....it's taken me YEARS to figure it out. And even though I know, it doesn't mean I always do it.
What's missing is....advice. When we are truly listening, we are not giving advice.
Wait, what??? As a mom (or partner or colleague or friend) I'm not supposed to be giving advice???
I thought giving advice was my superpower! Especially as a mom. But actually, the superpower we have is to empower them! To strengthen them. To give them a chance to reflect and create their own solutions. Are we there to support them? Absolutely. When we listen and share empathy with them, we are giving them the support they need and want.
But, but, but....
You may be thinking, "But wait! I want to help them! I've been through this myself! I know the solution!"
What works for me when I feel these powerful urges to "help" is to take a deep breath. If I really must say something as I listen, I might say: "Tell me more." Or (showing some empathy), "This must be really hard for you."
AFTER listening and giving them space to share (along with your undivided attention and empathy), you may be surprised to discover that they have found some peace. Just by listening, you may even have supported them in figuring out what they want to do next.
If they haven't yet arrived at their own solution, you can ask, "Do you have any ideas about what to do?" If the answer is no, you can ask, "Do you know anyone who has been through a similar problem that you can ask for help?" and if the answer is no, THEN you can ask, "Would you like some advice/ideas from me?"
Remember, our goal in Restitution is to strengthen; to give children the tools they need to be resourceful and solve their problems without creating unnecessary dependency on us.
So... the next time you try to give your child some advice and they say something like (as my daughter often does), "Mom, you have no idea," then you know. You know you are giving advice or trying to help them solve their problem without really having listened (to understand from their point of view).
And what do our kids want? They want to know we "get" them. We understand. We care. To know that we believe in them and their ability to solve problems. That we are there to support them when they need us or want our help. Deep listening does all of this.
Give it a try!
Listening tips:
Listen with your whole body.
When you are listening, give it your full attention.
Put away your cell phone. When I ask 7-10 year olds, "Do you ever talk to someone but you know they aren't really listening?" They all have experience with this! And their most common example: Trying to talk to mom or dad who is paying more attention to their cell phone than the story the child wants to share.
If you feel an urge to say something, ask a question to help you understand more deeply.
Ask your child (even before they share with you): Do you want my advice or do you just want me to listen?
This is so important! And well said.