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Is it OK to coerce?

meemiekempercoachi

How often do we try to “make” someone do something? We may have what we consider "good reasons", but if they don’t want to do it and we are trying to force them, is that OK?



You may have mixed feelings about this….maybe as a child your parents made you take piano lessons and you are grateful for the love of music that you developed. Or maybe they signed you up for ballet and you still love to dance. But it also could be that as a result you avoid playing instruments or dislike dancing.

 

Last month I mentioned wanting my husband to build us a shed and the Positions of Control I attempted using. Well, this month, the shed issue was still lingering on…

I found myself using what Dr. William Glasser calls ‘The Seven Deadly Habits’ to get him to build the shed:

Criticizing

Blaming

Complaining

Nagging

Threatening

Punishing

Rewarding to Control

I did a little nagging (“Come on, hon, you’re retired…you have have plenty of time to work on it!!! If you don't get started soon, we won't have a shed before winter!”) and complaining (“The garage is so full of stuff. I can’t find my gardening tools anywhere! It’s so frustrating!”). I even wanted to criticize (“Is that what you’re going to do? Sit in your chair and watch videos on Youtube?”).

And how do you think it went?

That’s right. No shed. But that wasn’t all…

I was attempting to coerce him into doing something he didn’t want to do. It definitely wasn’t working. And worse than that, it was driving us apart. We began bickering about every little thing. We couldn’t have a disagreement without it turning into an argument. I was irritated every time he sat down to relax. I was getting to the point where it felt like everything he did was driving me crazy! And it wasn’t helping our relationship. At all.

So, remembering the Manager position (see last month’s blog about the Positions of Control), I finally decided to talk to him about it. Yes, you are right if you are thinking it took me quite a while to get there!!!

I asked him, “What are you thinking about this shed idea?” I was ready to listen and really understand his view. I was determined to be accepting and supportive.

And he said, “I was hoping you would do the legwork and then I could build it.”

Isn’t it interesting what we find out when we ASK?

It might not be what we want to hear, but we can begin to understand the other person’s perspective and it opens the door to finding a solution.

He was hoping I would come up with plans, create a materials list, source the building supplies, get approval from our housing association, etc., etc.

Did I have the bandwidth for doing all of that? I absolutely did not. So, we compromised. We decided to order a ready made shed. Yeah, it would probably cost a little bit more, but it solved the problem for both of us.

And you know what? He took the first step and visited the shed store. Without me even asking him to do it! I wish I could share the happy dance I did when he came home and showed me our shed plans!


 

When we replace the ‘Seven Deadly Habits’ with Glasser’s ‘Seven Caring Habits’, it can transform problems (and relationships):



When we use these Caring Habits, we are modeling for our kids the behaviors we hope they will to use to create successful relationships in their lives. What a gift to give them! And how nicely the Caring Habits fit with our family values! I am so thankful to Dr. Glasser for highlighting these Deadly and Caring habits. And when I remember, I ask myself what he calls 'the Ultimate Question’: Is what I am about to say or do going to bring us closer together, or drive us further apart?





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