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Mom in Crisis!

meemiekempercoachi

I’ve driven the six hours up to my mom’s house twice this month to meet her in the hospital. Both times she was admitted and kept overnight (the first time for several nights). It’s been hard to see her struggling for her life, but it has also provided time for me to connect with her as I care for her and spend time with her in recovery.


She’s 86. I’m 62. It’s interesting that now I’m thinking, “Well, I really don’t know how much time I have left with her.” But I realize we never know how long the people we care about will be around. Really anything can happen without a moment’s notice. We have the tendency to think we have plenty of time left, but probably (if it hasn’t happened to you), you know people who have had loved ones die suddenly.


Gosh. Didn’t really intend to delve into the topic of death, but it helps make the point that keeping (or getting) our relationships clear of conflict not only prepares us to face a break in that relationship without regret, but can help us live more fulfilling, happier lives.


My siblings’ reactions to mom’s health issues have been full of love and genuine concern. We have to wrestle not only with her needs, but with our own as well. We would all like her to stick around for a while. Her presence in our lives helps us meet our Love and Belonging need. So what do we do? We ask how she’s doing and how the recovery is coming. We give her advice and suggestions. We ask her to take more precautions and even suggest that she stop engaging in the activities that have resulted in her illness. We tell her we love her. It’s really easy to do those things…to TELL her what we want and think she should do. What’s harder? To ASK her what she wants. It’s a scary place to go, because what she tells us might not be what we want to hear.



When we were in the hospital, I overheard the doctor speaking with Mom’s roommate. He was talking about end of life decisions. He asked whether or not she wanted interventions like intubation or heart compressions if she stopped breathing or her heart stopped.


The woman said that’s what her son wanted. And the doc replied that was good to know, and then he said, “But I am asking you. You are the boss of you and you get to decide.” She paused and answered, "I don’t want it. I’ve had a good life and if I go, I just want to go.” This elderly woman stood up for herself, and was able to do it because she was alone with the doctor and did not defer to what her family members wanted.


Could we be family members who support each other as the doctor did? Could we truly listen to what our loved ones want and support them in getting it? Can we listen deeply to understand what is important to them? Whether it is your 3 year old, your 13 year old, your twenty-something adult child, a sibling, spouse or parent, we can practice listening deeply and inviting them to share with us what they want/need. And likewise, we can share what we want/need.


My mom wants to continue feeding the feral cats she has adopted and neutered. She craves the Love and Belonging connection she gets with them. She meets her Power need by making a difference in their lives. It’s Fun for her to see them all come running when she arrives with food (and they come as much for her attention as they do to eat). But, she is deathly allergic to the wasps that also come to share in the bounty. My siblings and I want her to be safe and survive. We would like her to wear a bee suit with gloves on her hands. My brother called my mom today. He said he understood how important it was to her (both physically and emotionally) to be able to continue feeding the cats. He said he knew it was her way of being of service. She said, “Thank you for saying that. I know I need to be careful but everyone is telling me to just stop doing it. I can’t stop.” And what do we (her children) need? We need to feel she is safe. When we have an open dialogue about our wants and the needs behind them, we are on the road to finding a way through. She may not be ready for a bee suit, but she is willing to carry an epi pen and her phone to call for help if she needs it. She realizes now that it's not just about her needs. Her decisions affect her children, too!


Do you have an unresolved relationship? What are your needs that are not being met? Are you willing/able to share your needs with that person and truly listen to theirs?


One of my Choice Theory/Reality Therapy trainers often said, you always have a choice. You can accept the person the way they are. You can try to change them. Or you can leave. But I think when we talk about relationships, there is a fourth option. We can look for a win-win solution that works for both of us. If we are willing to compromise, we can find a way forward together, shoulder to shoulder. When we practice open dialogue with our kids, we help foster flexibility, empathy, compassion, acceptance of another’s point of view, problem-solving, creativity and communication skills. Imagine a generation of adults who have developed capacities in all of these areas!



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