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"Mom, stop talking to me like I'm an idiot!"

meemiekempercoachi

March Blog Post How We Communicate: "Mom, stop talking to me like I'm an idiot!"

In Restitution training, I share this research from Albert Mehrabian:




These are pretty startling percentages! I have quoted them often, but is it really true? I decided to look a little deeper. It turns out that these percentages have become somewhat of an "urban legend." According to an article from ChangingMinds.org, even Albert Mehrabian has some caveats for this research. He noted that unless the person is talking about their feelings or attitudes, these percentages are not applicable. Obviously, an email is not conveying only 7% of a message! And if I am giving you directions to my house, a lot more than 7% of my communication will depend on the words themselves. BUT, what does his research tell us? The ChangingMinds.org article, Mehrabian's Communication Study, points out that while the exact percentages may vary, we can understand the following:

  • It's not just words: a lot of communication comes through non-verbal communication.

  • Without seeing and hearing non-verbals, it is easier to misunderstand the words.

  • When we are unsure about what the words mean, we pay more attention to the non-verbals.

  • Beware of words-only communications like email. It is very easy to misunderstand what is said, even if emoticons are used.

So what does all this mean for us as parents or teachers? After Restitution training I like to ask parents what has had the biggest impact on their parenting. One parent commented that the thing that made the biggest difference for her was watching her tone: "This evening, instead of nagging, I said to one of my daughters in as neutral a tone as I could muster: "Are you ready to brush your teeth now?" She put down her toy and skipped off to the bathroom. I was amazed! I'm sure it won't always be that easy but it is great to have some more positive methods for communicating with the kids. I have been making a big effort to use the neutral tone rather than a nagging tone and that alone has made the whole atmosphere much more calm and less stressful." How much of a role does your tone of voice play in your communication with your child? Is it helpful or hurtful? When my daughters were teenagers, if I told them something once and they still weren't understanding it (in my irritated mind, they just didn't listen), I would repeat it, word for word, a second time. And their response would be, "Mom, don't talk to me like I'm an idiot." So what changed? Well, yes, it was my tone! It became condescending, as if I was talking to a young child. I cringe now to think of it and have worked hard to abandon that strategy! The point is, our tone matters...a lot! Writing about tone and body language probably isn't the best way to describe tone and body language! Take a look at this 1-minute video where I use a variety of tone and body language to communicate the sentence, "What are you doing?"



Take aways: Kids are observant. They watch us carefully and interpret a lot of meaning from our tone and body language. We can attempt to control others with our tone and body language, adding anger, guilt, and persuasion to the words we are speaking. We can observe our kids closely for what they are communicating with their tone and body language. When they are sharing with us, a lot of what they are "saying" is not just their words! With love, Meemie

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