
What really strikes me is the polarization that is dividing people. And the widespread difficulty we are having in communicating with people who hold opinions or beliefs that are different from our own.
I recently listened to an interview with Dr. Gabor Mate, a physician who specializes in childhood development, ADHD, parenting, trauma, and addiction. He was speaking about how we can begin to talk with others who have ideas that are different from ours. He outlined three steps.
1. Listen.
2. Reflect their perspective in a way that they know that you’ve got it. Let them know you understand where they are coming from.
3. Ask if they are open to a different way of looking at it. If they say no, stop. But if they are open to listening, you have set the groundwork to begin to share your perspective and be heard.
This reminded me of the challenges we face in parenting and teaching when we have an idea of how things should be and our child/spouse/student/colleague holds a different view.
We can end up in a battle. We are each fighting for having things our way. And in addition to being frustrating for both of us, it also drives us apart.
Last week I also watched an interview with Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child. His approach to handling a child’s challenging behaviors reminded me so much of the Manager position in Restitution and to Gabor Mate’s way of sharing perspectives. He is concerned that our traditional methods of dealing with challenging behavior too often result in isolation, removal or separation from the group, as we impose our will on our children in a top-down, authoritarian parenting or teaching style.
Dr. Greene’s model, called CPS (Collaborative and Proactive Solutions), emphasizes identifying the problem AND any lacking skills that may be causing the challenging behavior, rather than battling to modify or “deal with” the behavior itself. The focus shifts from the behavior to solving the problem. And emphasizes that there may be skills the child is missing that are critical to solving the problem.
When we focus on developing the missing skills in the process of solving the problem, the behavior changes. And the connection between parent/teacher and child is strengthened as well.
Very much like Gabor Mate’s three steps, in the CPS model we begin by listening and asking questions to understand the problem. At this stage, we are modeling deep listening for our child.
In the second step, we share our needs, and because we have listened to the child/other person first, hopefully they are willing to listen to us.
Lastly, we collaboratively develop a proactive solution.
Ross Greene’s Lives In the Balance website guides parents through the steps of CPS with a series of short videos and resources (all free). Check out the real life problem-solving examples!
In Restitution, we “Create the conditions for people to fix their mistakes and return to the group strengthened.” I found it so helpful to learn about the approaches of Gabor Mate and Ross Greene, as they both offer steps and techniques that support creating the conditions and solving problems collaboratively. As a result of “fixing mistakes” in these ways, a win-win solution is developed which restores the child to the group/family/relationship. It doesn’t push them away or out, and strengthens them in the process.
And what skills are being developed? Among many possibilities, they are learning to listen. To understand and have empathy for others whose views are different from their own. To find win/win solutions. THIS may help us all better navigate the challenges we are facing in the world today!
In partnership on the parenting and teaching journey,
Meemie
P.S.
What if the child doesn’t want to share or talk about their view of the problem? Or listen to yours? We can still model our willingness to listen. We can express our desire to work it out with them. If we have been authoritarian in our parenting, using consequences or punishments to control behavior that doesn’t meet our expectations, it may take time for the child to trust us!
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