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What time do I have to be home?

meemiekempercoachi

Boundaries with teenagers



When my younger daughter was in high school, she wanted to go out with friends and asked, “What time do I have to be home?”


With her question, I realized we had never set a curfew for her older sister to be home! But this daughter was asking for a limit. A boundary. And I remember I had no idea what to say!!!

So I offered, “How about 11?” and she replied, “Mom, that’s so early! No one has to be home at 11!” Then I suggested, “Midnight?” She countered, “1:00?" I said, “How about 12:30?” She sighed and said, “Fine!”

She left the house a little disgruntled, and 12:30 a.m. was a little later than I felt comfortable with, but we had arrived at a compromise; something we could both accept. It was a negotiation.

What might have happened if I had chosen the time? I might have said, “Be home at midnight.” I can imagine her responding with huffing, eye rolling and maybe even a comment like, “That is so stupid,” or “Why don’t you trust me?” And if I had said (as I originally proposed), 'Be home at 11'? Just imagine her response!!!!


Ultimately, it wasn’t the time that mattered to me. I would be worried about her safety if she wasn’t home on time, regardless of it being 11 or 12 or even 1 a.m.!


What mattered to her was the feeling of being trusted and respected.


If I had set a curfew, I would then feel a strong need to enforce it. I would be entering the realm of external control. I would have needed to develop a consequence for her if she was late…maybe she would be grounded for a week. Maybe I would remove a privilege. Maybe she would be docked allowance. None of these would contribute to strengthening our relationship. By taking the time to negotiate a boundary, we grew closer, rather than further apart.

So what if she didn’t come home at our negotiated time? There were occasions when she didn’t arrive by the agreed upon time. I usually got a phone call, letting me know she would be late because her ride wasn’t ready to leave or some other issue had come up. If she arrived late without calling or texting, she would explain what had happened. When I told her I didn’t like the feeling of not knowing if she was safe, we discussed and agreed on some protocols to follow if she knew she would be late, so I would know she was OK and wouldn’t worry.


Negotiating boundaries and solutions empowered her to take responsibility. She wasn’t simply deciding whether to follow or break a rule. She was taking steps to honor an agreement.


I spoke to her about this recently and she remembers being very anxious about making sure she arrived home on time! She took our agreement seriously!


Creating solutions together wasn’t always easy or comfortable, but our relationship was never compromised. In fact, it was strengthened through the process of solving problems together and addressing any resulting issues with a proactive, “we can figure this out” attitude. #teenagers #parentingteens #negotiatingboundaries #parenting #parentingchallenges



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