As parents, we often focus on what we want to "do" for our children. But how much do we focus on who we want to "be" for them?
What we DO...
We feed and clothe our children; we provide them with healthy food and keep them warm and dry. We tend to them when they are sick. We insure they get enough exercise. We taking them to the doctor, dentist and optometrist for regular check ups. We secure the best education for them that we can afford, from pre-school through university. We provide them with developmentally appropriate toys. We teach them to be kind, how to cross the street safely, how to zip their coats and tie their shoes. We set limits for them to keep them safe. We insure they get enough sleep. We monitor their screen time. We play with them. And most importantly, we love them with all of our hearts.
In our efforts to DO all of those things for our children, it doesn't always go smoothly. They often don't cooperate. We tell them it's time to put away the iPad and they don't want to. They refuse. We try to force them. We go head to head. It becomes a battle of the wills.
The difficult part is, we have the best intentions. We want to do everything we can to help our children be happy and healthy. But in that moment, we want their behavior to stop or change. We are trying to control them. And usually, they win.
Why? Because we can't really make them do anything! Choice theory tells us they always have a choice. When they comply with our demands, it is because it is needs-fulfilling for them to do so.
The question Restitution emphasizes is, "Who am I BEING?"
In that moment of conflict with my child, it may not feel like it, but I do have a choice about the kind of person I am BEING.
If I am being a Punisher or Guilter, my child may comply to avoid the pain of my wrath. If I am being a Buddy or Monitor, my child may choose to do what I am asking in order to please me or get some kind of reward. These positions of control can work and I may get my child to behave the way I want them to, but I am not being the mother I want to BE.
In Restitution we say, "It's ok to make a mistake."
I remind myself that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. I tell myself I was doing the best I could at that moment. That I didn't do the worst thing. I remind myself that I had the best of intentions. I feel myself begin to calm.
The Restitution approach helps me accept my mistakes, knowing that when I fix them, I'm on the path to becoming the parent I want to be. I can use the Self-Restitution tool to help me do that.
So I'm ready to try again. I drop the wish to control my child. I focus on being in the Manager position. I listen, deeply, to understand their needs and wants. I share what I need and want and we work together, grounded in our family beliefs, to find a win-win solution that meets both of our needs.
Really? Can it be that simple? Well, I sure wish it was... Luckily, we are provided with endless opportunities to make mistakes, learn, and grow into the parent we want to BE.
Best wishes to you on your journey to becoming the parent you want to be!
Until next month,
Meemie
P.S. If you feel you need support on your journey to becoming the parent you want to be, I would love to help. Please check out the parent coaching page of my website for more information and contact me to schedule a FREE introductory session.
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